they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
