i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
