Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
