this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
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the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
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If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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