I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
