I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
