People in love make me want to vomit
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
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In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
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Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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