Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
