I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
