Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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