I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
