Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
