Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
