when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
