I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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