Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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