I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
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You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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