I'm going to jail i love you
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
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She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
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People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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