So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
50% drunk capacity currently
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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