Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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