Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
