We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
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