I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
