i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
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