One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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