..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Is Oprah even human
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
