So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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