I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
