i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
