Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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