fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
