My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
