every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
