Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
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We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
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When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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