There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
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I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize