My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
false alarm, still single
Randomize
