Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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