I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
