I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
is that a dick in a sweater?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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