I think my fart just growled at me.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
