i wish starbucks made bloody marys
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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