You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
