Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
