she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
