This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Randomize
