just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Randomize
