apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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