She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
we should paint friendship bongs
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
