masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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