Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
