I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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