just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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