it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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