I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
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