Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
