he shaved USA in his pubs
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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