y did u give ur computer a hand job?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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