My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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