Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
