god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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